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When to Say ‘I Love You’

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By August 18, 2005

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The first time I told someone I loved them, I got shot down faster than a tequila slammer on a Friday night. I picked the most dreadful time to do it. I told him as we were breaking up.

It resulted in the already-running boy literally sprinting to the door, leaving behind skid marks and a broken heart.

I hadn’t had the experience then to realise that it hurts, hurts, hurts when you love someone and they don’t love you back.

I’m a romantic. I believe in everlasting relationships, devoted lovers and happy endings. Therefore, when I didn’t get mine, I felt cheated, bereft.

While I didn’t get my happily ever after, what I got was the beginning of something even better – a new chapter to my life, one that brought me unexpected places. I’m happier now than I ever would have been with him.

I’ve since loved others, much more than I ever did him. And I’ve learned to pick a better time to tell someone you love them than when you’re breaking up. I spoke to a group of my friends, single and in relationships to ask them about their experiences.

We put our thinking caps on and came up with some ideas about the absolute worst (and best) times to blurt it out.

The Worst

  • When you’re not sure: If you don’t know whether you love someone or not, but decide to say it because a) you don’t want to lose them, b) they said it first, c) you want something from them they aren’t prepared to give unless you do, then it’s not right. Accumulate some good karma by not playing mind games. Honesty is the base of all good relationships, don’t muck up yours by lying about something so important
  • Before sex/after sex: Saying ‘I love you’ can kill the mood if they don’t return the favour. If you say it after sex, it can sound insincere. This part takes some soul searching. Are you the kind of person who believes that sex and love are the same thing? If so, don’t sleep with anyone unless you are sure they love you – you invite heartache otherwise. On the other hand, if you are more laidback and think of sex as a good romp in the hay and a way of getting to know whether you fit together physically, you should also realise why there’s no worse time. You don’t want to corner someone into saying it back because they might seem like a jerk otherwise.

    The Best

  • When you’re in the moment: Unfortunately, no-one can pick the right time for you. Follow your instincts. It’s that tightening in your gut, or when your throat and heart feels too full to contain those emotions anymore – when you just have to say it or else it feels like dying or walking through fire.

    All I can give are some tips on the best way to express ‘I love you’ to someone – don’t borrow from Dutch courage, the only thing you should be drunk on is love.

    Make sure you use those exact three words. Trite and cheesy, they may be, but they leave no room for confusion.

    It’s best to do it in person, so you can see their reaction. If this is not possible, the next best option is a phone call, followed by writing. Writing someone an old fashioned declaration of love can be very romantic. Under no circumstances should you get anyone else to do it for you.

    Be brave, be bold. Love is magical, it can change the world. But not if you don’t say it out loud first.

    Karen Tay

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