For most of us, going out with our friends or to a restaurant is something to look forward to, but for a small number of people who suffer from social anxiety, it can be a nightmare. This is Laura’s story…
The teenage years are a constant battle of ups and downs, broken hearts, part-time jobs, exams and friendships. They test your will, courage and patience and that of your family. But for some these years are clouded by something so confining and stifling that just the little things become huge obstacles.
I was ten when I was first swallowed into the social anxiety cycle. I vomited in a pizza restaurant one evening and from then on was unable to even think about eating out without feeling physically ill. It was frustrating but not debilitating. My life resumed as normal, only being affected by my anxiety when it came to going to restaurants.
At the age of twelve I decided to take up hockey. At the same time I was having terrible problems at school, with disintegrating friendships and being the victim of extremely hurtful verbal bullying. At my first hockey game I was sick in the middle of the field. I don’t know why – I didn’t even really feel that unwell, but it was embarrassing and I felt like the entire stand of spectators were laughing at my misfortune. This reaction stemmed from the response I was getting from school at the time – no matter what I said or did someone would make a snide remark that would cause the whole class to laugh at my expense.
I dreaded my next hockey game. I was so petrified about throwing up again that I felt sick in my stomach just thinking about it. Sure enough, my overactive mind took charge and I was sick once again on the field. I was mortified. I just couldn’t stop going over in my head how weird and weak my team mates must think I was. My weekly hockey game became dreaded, both by myself and my mother, who had to deal with a trembling, gagging, crying wreck every Saturday morning. I spent most of the week praying that Saturday would never come.
Soon the anxiety spread to other things. I was unable to attend school discos, birthday parties, dancing rehearsals, or anything slightly social without vomiting first. It became like a habit, an anticipated occurrence. I had no control over it and it really upset me. I would wake up feeling sick if I had to go out that day, and the feeling would not leave until I was back home safely.
Somewhere in the middle of my form 2 year I came down with a virus and was home from school for several days. When I was well enough to go back I found that I couldn’t. Every morning I would be sick and no matter how hard I tried I could not make myself get in the car. The longer I was away, the more people ridiculed me. They made up stupid stories and rumours and when I did finally make it to school for half a day I was plagued by nasty, childish remarks and giggles.
My mother was in despair. She had seen her happy, carefree child turn sad, quiet and constantly anxious. Not knowing how to deal with it herself she sent me to a child psychologist. Although she was a lovely lady, I felt incredibly resentful towards her. In my mind she had no idea what she was talking about – how could she, she wasn’t in my head or at my school. She suggested to Mum that I was just fishing for attention. Fortunately Mum knew me well enough, and had seen enough of my condition, to know that attention was the last thing I wanted. In fact, attention was what I feared the most.
Time moved on, and I found myself starting high school. I have no idea how I made it to school on that first day but I did and I loved it. Within the first week I had made a whole group of new friends and I was incredibly happy. But the anxiety did not let up. Over the next 4 years I was constantly tormented by a domineering feeling of uncertainty and worry. I became a master of disguise, managing to keep my problems secret from everyone but my family. I would vomit before going out and then put on a brave face when I met up with my friends. When they ate in fast food restaurants I would make up any viable excuse I could think of to avoid eating.
Exams provided more stress. As well as the usual anxiety over doing well, I also faced the challenge of sitting in a hall full of people for three hours. I would get so distracted by my overwhelming feelings of claustrophobia and entrapment that the words on the exam paper would swim and I could hardly concentrate. This provoked more action from my mother, this time in the form of a homeopath. I was given all sorts of foul tasting herbal concoctions to drink and little white pills to suck, but no matter how diligently I downed them, I felt not improvement.
More time lapsed and I went through good and bad phases. Things were particularly awful in the school holidays when I had an abundance of time to ponder over things and torture myself with my ‘what if….’s. At the beginning of my 7th form year I traipsed off to a hypnotist, feeling a little daunted by the whole thing, but highly confident it would work. I placed all my hopes on it, but it made no difference. I was let down yet again with a huge thud. I slipped into a state of despair and depression, feeling as though I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Everything seemed so impossible, too hard to even try. I couldn’t be bothered attempting to socialise as it just left me emotionally and physically exhausted, and I felt tired all the time. I had stopped eating properly and was losing weight at a slightly scary rate.
One day I was to go on a school field trip, to Piha. I woke up feeling ill and spent the morning fighting myself – my rational mind was telling me I had nothing to worry about. My irrational mind had sirens flashing, warning me that danger was looming. By the time I was ready to go to school I was an exhausted mess, and that is when I decided that it had to stop.
I took a chance and visited another psychologist. He talked me through things, spoke to me as an adult and explained what was happening in my brain. I still find it pretty confusing but the basic reason for my condition is that my brain had stopped producing serotonin . The serotoninergic system is known to modulate mood, emotion, sleep and appetite. I was put on a drug which would give my brain a helping hand and I haven’t looked back since. I have achieved so much since my introduction to the drug 8 months ago. I have been out for dinner and actually eaten something over 10 times, lunch 4 times, breakfast 3. I have performed at 3 school concerts, and also done a speech. I have participated in the Santa Parade, collected for charity at Christmas in the Park, gone busking, done work experience, survived bursary exams, and the list goes on. How many times have I been sick? ZERO.
There are no words to describe the elation that my newfound freedom brings. So many doors have been opened, and I am having so much fun trying out new things. I have way more energy and have put on almost 7kgs. I am still presented with challenges, but if life was simple it would be boring.
Looking back now I believe that my experiences as a social phobic have only made me stronger and have most definitely made me more aware of the different ways in which people think and function.
I want other people who suffer from debilitating and frustrating mental illnesses to know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel. I know that it seems like an escape is impossible, but it’s not. You just need to find the right treatment for you. Explore all the options – homeopathy, hypnotherapy, and if it comes down to it, don’t be afraid to turn to prescription drugs – sometimes they are just necessary.
Never give up on an answer, and don’t let other people tell you to snap out of it or tell you that you will never get better. You will get better, and it is important to remember that you are not alone.
Laura Evans
