Is the full moon that was your shining, happy relationship showing signs of waning? Not much to talk about? Can’t remember the last time you got busy?

It could be that you have hit a slump - it happens to the best of us - and you and your partner need to find the focus again. Or it could be that it really is, truly and sadly, over.  Here are a few ways to find out...

Have you both noticed it?
A big problem that many couples face is when one of
the pair is constantly on the verge of tears regarding the relationship, because they can see how different things have become, and the other doesn’t even seem to notice. Being so out of touch with each other that you don’t notice the other person is unhappy is a sure sign things aren’t too rosy, but saying that, men can find it difficult to use the intuition that us women are famous for. And – to make things even more difficult – us girls can be highly emotional at times. So in answer to this predicament, you need to give it time. If he still hasn’t noticed after around three weeks that your relationship
appears to be dying before your eyes, make sure you
bring it up before you call it off completely.

Do you talk?
This is the surest sign of a problem. When you get home from work, does he ask you about your day? And when you answer, does he listen? Really listen? Are you happy to see each other? You should be. If you are in love and your relationship is happy and healthy, each day away from each other should bring about at least a good hour of chatting while you eat dinner and spend your evening together. If your days have been dull, this can of course be replaced with gossiping about mutual friends. Whatever it is, you should be showing interest in each other. If not, it could be time to move on.

Do you hang out?
This is also important. Wilting relationships are those
in which couples tend to avoid one another, consciously or unconsciously. You spend a lot of time at your friend’s flat, chatting with her flatmates - even when she’s not home? I would say you’re over it. If you would rather come home late at night and sneak into the room after he’s gone to bed than spend a night with him on the couch, you’re over it. If you are a social butterfly who doesn’t mean to flutter away so much and often thinks of him while you are gone – but when you’re together there isn’t much to say – it could be that you have just lost touch. Try to force a weekend away and see if that helps. You might just need to reconnect.

Looks-wise, are you making an effort?
This doesn’t mean you have to get up and put on your make up before he even rises from the pillow, but throwing away your ugly old team building exercise t shirt from your old work might help to reignite the spark. Looking good enough to visit the dairy for some milk is a good guideline. This means different things to different people, but having your hair tamed and your clothes clean might be nice, to show you care. If you find this just makes you think – well, I don’t care – then, well, you don’t. You might as well call it off.

Do you compliment each other?
This ties in with the above. Do you notice when he has spruced up for a day at work? Do you see the couple of kilograms he has lost at the gym? And if you do, are compliments paid? This of course cuts both ways. He should be able to see when you have had a haircut – as long as it is fairly different. He should pay you a compliment once a week on average. If he is thinking nice things, he will say them. If he’s not thinking them, he is less likely to. Saying this, some boys just aren’t very good at expressing themselves. Paired with some of these other symptoms, a lack of complimenting is a problem. Alone, it is just unfortunate.

Superfluous contact.
When you’re at work, des he sometimes call you? Does he ring when he’s out with his mates, just to see how you’re getting on? Do you sometimes send a text just to let him know you love him? No, no and no? It’s over. A healthy relationship should be filled with this kind of reinforcing behaviour. Not that you should be in constant contact, but your loved one should be lingering at the back of your mind pretty much all the time. If he’s not – or if you suspect you’re not in the back of his – chances are it’s time to say goodbye.

The three-word phrase.
Along with compliments, this should really be said at the very least, once per week. I would be tempted to expect it once a day, but some relationships are a little more closed than others. It’s not too much to expect to be told that you are loved. If you haven’t heard it or said it in a while, chances are he or you, or both, aren’t feeling it.

The three letter word.
Okay, so in long-term relationships this can be a sore point. Fact is, you are not going to be doing it as often as you were when you first met up. Speaking generally here, seeing as every couple is different, if you haven’t done it in three weeks, there is probably something wrong. There is definitely something wrong if you haven’t done it in a month and you don’t really want to.  Every couple is different, but paired with some of the other symptoms stated above, a lack of sexual appetite probably means a loss of connection. Sometimes sex is a great way to fix this. Sometimes it seems like the last thing on your mind. It can cause you to feel physically ill, just thinking about it. If this is the case, the relationship has fallen from the love tree and turned bad, then been picked at by the birds of love-death. Time to go.

Assess these points for yourself, keeping in mind the relativity of individual relationships, and if the case looks terminal, move on. Salvageable relationships can be worth the effort though, so don’t forget to put in that extra effort, if need be.

Camille Butler