The father of her son is in jail and has been playing her along for years. Should she give him another chance?...
Dear Super Kitty,
About four years ago, I was seeing a guy who is six years younger than me. After a month of dating we broke up and a week after that I found myself pregnant. I tried contacting him but he had a new number.
About halfway through my pregnancy, I contacted an adoption agency as I felt that I could not take care of the baby on my own. The agency then tracked him down as the birth father. During the last three months of my pregnancy, we reconnected but he had a girlfriend at the time. I changed my mind about giving up the baby for adoption and though he missed my son's birth, he kept stopping by to see us.
When my son was four months old we became really close physically and emotionally. He told me that he loved me but he also loved his girlfriend. I was not willing to share him with another woman but he told me to be patient. When my son was six months old, I got a letter from his father saying that he was in prison for armed robbery. You can imagine my shock. I went to see him with the baby and guess what - his girlfriend was there. We were civil to each other and then we each had about 15 minutes to talk to our man. At the end of the visit he told me that he wants to be with her and not me.
My heart was broken but I moved on. Now after almost two and a half years, I get a letter from him saying how much he loves me and he wants me and our son back in his life. He broke up with his girlfriend and he still has two more years to go in his sentence. He wants us to get married and have more kids. I am still so much in love with this guy. We kept writing letters. I planned on visiting him and he was supposed to call me to confirm that either through a phone call or a letter at least. He has not done either for a week.
I don't know if he is playing me like a fiddle or if he is really genuine. I was so upset that I drove five hours only to find out that visiting hours were on a different day.
Please help! Confused
Camille Butler is our new Super Kitty extraordinaire and she's looking forward to helping her fellow nzgirls out with any relationship related problems. If you've got a question for Camille, hit the button at the bottom of the page.
Dear Confused,
Wow, this is definitely a messy situation. I’m going to get straight down to it – and I’m going to be harsh, because I think you need to see this for what it is.
My main problem comes from the very first line. You were only together for a month. In my books, that is nothing but a fling. It sounds like you hardly got to know him before you broke up, then only intermittently before he was put away. Have you thought about the fact prison could change him for the worse?
This guy is your baby’s father, which means you have a certain obligation to stay in contact, but he has done nothing but play with you. Six years younger or not, your baby’s dad is immature. A week after you broke up, he had ‘a new number’? I seriously doubt that. Where was he when your son was born? What was so important it made him miss the birth?
It sounds like he has kept you at arm’s length since the beginning, but reels you in when he feels the need. He breaks up with his girlfriend, then says he wants you back? How convenient for him. Lucky old you get to wait two years for him to get out of prison.
And that is my main concern. Are you really willing to wait for a guy who is in jail for armed robbery? Is he going to be the type of person you would like to marry and have more children with? Has he shown you any signs of being a good father, a loyal husband? I take it he slept with you while still dating his girlfriend.
Armed robbery is a serious crime. Why did he do it? Is he involved in something more dangerous? If I were you, I would keep away from him until my son was old enough to make his own decisions. I would deem him unsafe and unfit to be in my home. I would definitely not travel five hours to visit him.
There is definitely truth behind the old cliché - absence makes the heart grow fonder. But did you ever live together? Did you ever do the laundry together, go grocery shopping, make up after an argument? Perhaps if there had been a long and healthy relationship, then your love would ring true.
In all fairness for the guy, he is probably quite vulnerable and confused himself, but even if he does have certain feelings towards you, it isn’t fair for him to be making them known before he has properly thought them out. The truth is, he would have contacted you if he wanted to.
I’m guessing you feel strongly about him because he has a way with words. He has probably written you lots of letters, painting pretty pictures of your future together. White picket fences, him bringing home the bacon. And I’m guessing life is tough for you as a single mum. I understand he may seem like the answer to your problems. He’s not, though.
You will survive through your son’s childhood and grow stronger as fast as he grows taller. And you will find someone who deserves your love, who doesn’t play you, and who doesn’t wind up in prison for a violent crime. Keep your chin up and hold out for the future.
Love Super Kitty
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she give him another chance?...
Please help! Confused