It is Wednesday September 11 and with the Attack on America I am a bit flustered. I have an interview with Holly Wagner, who has written a great book about friendship called "She Loves me, She Loves me not." I am scheduled to meet Holly at the Novatel hotel, so I turn up early and wait for her in the foyer. Half an hour later I realise something is up. Eventually I find out that Holly is at the Novatel in Greenlane, not the city, and have to make a dash across town to burst in to the lobby, out of breath and full of apologies.
Holly is sitting on a couch in the foyer checking her emails. "Don't worry about it Miranda!" Giving me a playful nudge and laughing as I splutter how sorry I am. "This is just the sort of thing Iwould do!"
Holly worked as an actress in Hollywood for 15 years, appearing in many films, along with several TV shows and commercials. A huge desire to help people spurred Holly to become an ordained minister in 1989. Now she and her husband Phillip are pastors at a multi racial church in Los Angeles. The ultimate cynic, I was ready to ask her: "How come people like you have it all together?" But it took only seconds for me to realise that Holly is not just another cheesy American self-help book writer. This woman has a message, and it is worth listening to.
Written in capitals in a chapter in her book the essence of what she wants you to know is spelt out. "YOUR LIFE HAS VALUE. THERE IS A REASON WHY YOU ARE HERE ON THE PLANET. THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIFIC THAT YOU ARE HERE TO DO."
Quite a statement; especially she follows it by stating "I know that my destiny - the reason I was put on the planet - involves other people."
Perhaps that's why she writes self-help books and lectures to women all around the world.
"I truly believe that is why I am here," she explains. "If women realise they are here for a reason they won't destroy themselves with drugs or bad men. If you value your life, you treasure it." Not many people set about their purpose in life with such enthusiasm. Holly has written two books so far, both available from Harper Collins. The focus of "She loves me, She loves me not," is our female friendships.
Friendships among women are key to our lives. The first person women turn to when something goes wrong is probably a girlfriend. We know what we want from a good friend, but what does it take to be a good friend back? Time, loyalty, intimacy, shared experiences... and plenty of cups of tea when the chips are down!
I explained to Holly many of the problems that you, our readers, have with their girlfriends. Week after week we get emails from you asking about your relationships with the other women in your life, questions Holly knows only too well.
I presented her with a typical issue that deals with betrayal by a friend.
One reader asked: "I really like this guy, and my best friend knew I liked him. But he has been emailing her and she agreed to go out with him. She doesn't seem to know how hurt I am about it. What shall I do?"
Holly nods knowledgeably "Obviously this friend has not realised that in a friendship, the pair is more important than the individual. If you want to improve any friendship, make the shift. Instead of thinking that 'I' is most important, start to see 'We' as most important. As for this betrayal: it can happen only once. Young girls can be very quick to forgive. But you have to establish a boundary. Say to your friend 'Don't ever do that again.' But forgive doesn't mean let them all the way back in your life. They have to regain the trust."
I brought up the point that a lot of girls believe that if you have a fight with your best friend, who are you left with? Holly says there is a simple answer to this - have lots of friends. "Don't expect one best friend to be everything," she says. "Every friend brings a different aspect to our lives. Broaden your circle of friends, have friends from different cultures, of ages and in different countries. The more people you let in your life, the less devastating it is when something goes wrong with one friend."
Holly also pointed out that everyone has disagreements, and there is nothing wrong with that. "I worry about people who don't fight. Disagreement means there is intimacy. I once met a couple while lecturing at a conference, and they said to me 'We never fight.' And I looked at them and realised while that may be true, there was also nothing between them." They just existed in each other's presence.
But what if, at the other end of the scale, our friends make us nuts? "Our friends can drive us batty but there are strengths in all of us we can share," Holly says. A friend can be someone who has only one quality that you need: loyalty, acceptance, and listening skills. You can offer just one quality to someone else - even just being light hearted may be all they need. You may wonder: what do I give my friends? The answer is what do they give you? Applying this to my life I thought about a friend of mine that has stuck by me in plenty of rough times. Then her sister died and I felt I offered her nothing in the way of support. I felt I had failed as a friend, especially since she had been there through all of my bad patches. After my interview with Holly I rang and asked her, 'Why are we still friends?" she told me: "There were times after [my sister] died that all I needed was someone light. I knew that if I called you, you would always be chirpy and I really needed that being around so much sadness."
And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that even though I thought I offered her nothing, I gave her the one thing no body else did.
Another question from one of our readers went like this: "I have a best friend, a guy. But he wants to have something more, and I don't want to ruin our friendship. What shall I do? I don't want to lose my friend." Holly believes in the 'When Harry met Sally' argument; "I do think that a friendship between a man and a woman is rare - one of them always wants something else. We try to make male friends our girlfriends and that is where we mess up." She acknowledges that some people can do this successfully, and it is very important to be friends with the person who you are in a relationship with, but male/female best friends are success stories. She also has additional advice for people in this situation. "Don't live your life in the future, live in today." This guy hasn't said the friendship would come to an end if the girl wasn't interested in taking it further. Don't assume you know the outcome of a situation.
Finally I wanted to talk to Holly more about her important message. "You're not here to just use up air," she stresses. "I need you to get this - can you tell?" she enthuses in the book. "It is hard for some girls to value their life if they don't know their purpose. Some people don't find their purpose and settle. But everyone who looks, finds it." If you need some help finding your purpose, or you want to help a friend find hers, Holly has some tips in her book. "Know that you are a one of a kind irreplaceable and wonderful person," she explains. "It is hard to face your weaknesses, but accept that everyone makes mistakes." Mistakes like turning up at the wrong hotel? Holly seems to think so!
Friendship Do's
Friends are important! Who else will tell us if we have something green between our teeth?
By loyal through the ups and downs - and we're not talking about our weight
Share secrets - yep, you need to tell her.But you also have to keep her confidences
