Tonight I gave my left over chocolate to the man in the Shell service station.

I got it for free after performing in a fundraiser for the SPCA and though I have all the will power in the world when it comes to spending money on chocolate, if I’m given it, I get stuck in. Which is why I bequeathed my fast diminishing supply to the pimply youth behind the counter.

I don’t think he gets given chocolate by chicks too often, as he looked rather taken aback. Ahhh Oprah would be pleased with my random act of kindness.

You see, I have relaxed ever so slightly on my eating routine in the last few weeks and have frustratingly found myself swelling up faster than you can say anaphylactic shock. My metabolism burns about as fast as a Bic lighter melts railway tracks, so I am forced to give chocolate away.

I’m doubly frustrated as in the past year I have actually managed to shave off quite a few pounds, not through diet and exercise, but thanks to Google.

As I have previously said, I am an epileptic. I was first diagnosed when I was 16 years old, and suddenly all those weird vacancies and bizarre images and noises in my head had a name; Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. I was prescribed Tegretol and happily knocked back two a day for the next 16 years.

About that time I also got fat.

No connection was apparent to me as I just thought I was 16 and porking up, and anyway, no doctor had said this could have been the cause. The next 16 years were the usual round of self-loathing, dieting and psychological scarring from being put up for numerous fat chick auditions and being yelled at onstage to lose weight.

Wicked.

Then one day, depressed and at the end of my tether I typed ‘Tegretol and weight gain’ into Google and ALL these people came up saying they had suffered in the same way.

It was like a light turned on in a tunnel.

I set about getting a neurologist appointment (nine months), not driving for six months as my medications changed, and finally settling into a regime with my new drug Lamotrigine.

And it seems it works. I still haven’t had a big fit (the last being in ‘94) and I lost quite a lot of weight. I literally just had to take a pill and I lost weight, it was all I ever dreamed of!

But for how long?

As with all psychological scarring, I haven’t healed that quickly. My weight yo-yos when I travel and I currently just can’t seem to lose those last few kilos to get back to where I was in March. Rather than accept it graciously, I rail at the world about how unfair it is! Why should she get to eat a pizza and drink lots of wine and be a size 8 if I can’t remember the last time I had pizza.

Logically I see this is futile, but knowing it and feeling are two entirely different things. Sigh.

So I continue trying to shake this obsession, because after all it’s not like I have motor neurone disease or anything horrible. I have two legs, two arms, an intact sacred lady place and two tits. Everything is choice and now I know about the pills, so at least I’m not the size I was.

Ahhh if only I could be happy with my ass! Then things would be perfect.

But then something else would be wrong and perfection would be no closer, so acceptance is a much better goal. If only it were that easy!

Sorry to get all maudlin on your ass nzgirls but I want to highlight how medication can screw with your system. Spread the word to people you know, who might be suffering unnecessarily like I did for half my life and see if their self-image can get a boost.

Other than that this is my last column for nzgirl. I wondered about making it frivolous and light but I actually want people to know about this in case there is someone they can help. So there you go.

I have had a fabulous year and a bit recounting my Hot Pink travels for you all, thanks so much for hanging out. I am however going to start a blog at www.hotpinkbits.blogspot.com so do please drop in.

See ya, it’s been choice.

Penny

p.s. If you know anyone in the following UK cities, tell them to come and see me in the Four Continents Slam Tour of the UK which kicks off in two weeks!

London The Cochrane Theatre - Nov 24
Cambridge The Mumford Theatre - Nov 25
Leicester Firebug - Nov 26
Leeds Brudenell Social Club - Nov 27
Bolton Phoenix - Nov 28
NottinghamCanal House - Nov 29
Newcastle The Cluny - Nov 30
Glasgow The Halt Bar - Dec 2
Edinburgh Bongo Club - Dec 3
Brighton Komedia - Dec 4
Oxford Zodiac - Dec 5
Reading South Street Arts Centre - Dec 6
Bristol The Polish Club - Dec 7