Hot Pink is a regular column on nzgirl that's sure to have you in stiches! Don't miss your weekly fix.
To find out all about its author, Penny Ashton, just click hereBizarre interesting fact #1: Isaac Newton was apparently a virgin till the day he died at 84.
Good grief. That means the only bang he ever had was an apple to the head and it wasn’t just the gravitational pull that ruled his life. Can you even imagine!
The fact he was a mathematician may have had something, or everything, to do with it, but surely all those algorithms and dissected isosceles love triangles would have got him hot. I’m hot just thinking about prime numbers, ooooohhhhh 3. Yes well maybe I’m seeing the problem.
Some scientists however are a little more interested in sex.
Take for instance Ukranian Hryhory Chausovsky, who has just invented the world’s first musical condom. Of course you say, why the hell didn’t I think of that? Well because it’s stupid, that’s why.
Apparently it has a mini-loud speaker and motion sensor under the bit near the top of the shaft and it plays musical tones in reaction to the movements of whichever Jam Master John is banging out the beats. The sound quality is shite though apparently and sounds like an early cellphone ring. A Pokia perhaps.
The mind boggles. I mean how mini can a mini-loud speaker be? Maybe it’s a series of dots and ridges for added stimulation. I suppose loud speakers tend to vibrate too, that could be good BUT really, the last thing I want when doing the horizontal rhumba is to suddenly stop and think… is that my mum calling or are you pleased to be in me.
And what would it play? Can you download tunes like a cellphone or is it the standard ‘The Entertainer’ or ‘Fugue’ as with my ancient Nokia.
I think Ricky Martin’s ‘She Bangs’ could be good, or maybe ‘How Deep is Your Love?’. Pessimists may prefer ‘Here I Go Again on My Own’, ‘Beat It’ or ‘Dancing With Myself’ or plain deviants could opt for ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’ Ahhhh choices choices. If in doubt there is always the good old Kiwi national anthem, which may aid those present to leap to attention too.
Speaking of which the other thing that made me laugh is that good old Hryhory suggests the motion sensors in his condom are good for aiding the natural rhythm of sex AND as an added bonus let you know when an erection is present.
Well thank god some Jingle Balls will tell me when maximum pressure has been reached because I just couldn’t think how else I could tell at all. Ahem.
SO there you have it, until now the Ukraine had only gifted the world the Easter Egg and Chernobyl. Now while you’re eating chocolate having radioactive sex you can listen to ‘Sex Bomb’ too. Go Ukes.
PennyBook Now for Hot Pink Does Vegas, Nelson Festival of the Arts, 8:30pm, October 19 & 20, 2006. Be there or be Ukrainian.
Last updated: 27/04/2008
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Hot Pink is a regular column on nzgirl that's sure to have you in stiches! Don't miss your weekly fix.
To find out all about its author, Penny Ashton, just