Hot Pink is a regular column on nzgirl that's sure to have you in stiches! Don't miss your weekly fix.
To find out all about its author, Penny Ashton, just click here
Now you may be reading this on Thursday (well if you’re very punctual anyways) but I am in actuality sitting here writing away on Tuesday. Wow trippy.
So what? You say.
Well Tuesday, you see, is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! AAARRRRRRRRR!
So ye may notice a few words slip past ye salty dogs that wouldn’t make sense on Thursday but on this day make parrrrrfect sense.
OK, now that we’ve cleared that up…
Why do pirates always carry soap?
So if they get swept away they can wash themselves ashore.
AAAARRRRR-hahahahahahaha
But really I want to talk politics with ye scurvy ridden parrot lovers. More specifically, hideous mental images that are pervading the news and are worse than a syphilitic barnacle on the arse of Mary Louise, the fat wench from Upper-Twaddle-on-Rye-Bread.
Personally I don’t give a maggoty rat what politicians do with their pork sausage or cornish pasties, as long as gays can marry and no one blows their infernal tobaccy in my good eye. But all this reporting of it is turning my gills as green as Black Dog Bitch’s amputated toe.
Speaking of tobaccy why didn’t the pirate smoke?
Because he had a patch!
AAAARRRRR-hahahahahahaha
If I have to imagine Captain Don Juan Brash in a clinch with anymore exotic lasses from the East or Mistresses of the Round Table then frankly, I’m going to lose lunch faster than you can say, “Is that a canon or are you just pleased to see me?”
What I find most unbelievable about this whole mess of cats guts, is that there are two wenches in the land that want to fire his canon in the first place. I know some say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but even if he were clothed in Johhny Depp (AARRRR) I’d still know he was under there and would walk the plank rather than show him my treasure chest.
Incidentally did you hear about the Pirate Movie?
It was rated…. ARRRRRRR!
AAAARRRRR-hahahahahahaha
Also making me blood curdle is that according to a National MP it’s good Don is rooting about as it means he’s a red blooded male. I’d like to see if he’d say that about a female MP or just call her a harloty jezebel with legs easier to spread than the grease of a spitroasted mongoose. Somehow I think so.
WelI I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised at Don’s latest affair coz as they say; “When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy” I just thought the job market would have been closed for the barnacled baldy and that a comb over, even on a pirate, would only ever attract the likes of Bleeding-Eyes-Bette, who hasn’t seen a thing since the octopus.
Just goes to show, I don’t always know everything, but I do know what Captain Hook died of... Jock Itch!
AAAARRRRR-hahahahahahaha
Penny
Speakeasy, Thursday 21st September, Upstairs at the Classic Comedy Bar, 321 Queen St. The alternative Open Mic, come and see MC Hot Pink’s world famous Pirate Poem.
Last updated: 29/04/2008
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