Hot Pink is a regular column on nzgirl that's sure to have you in stiches! Don't miss your weekly fix.
To find out all about its author, Penny Ashton, just click here
I have decided that I am going to get Jane Austen to write the story of my life to date.
Imagine how fabulous it would be to just abandon all worries of trying to find a balance between social life and a meaningful career and give yourself over to Jane.
I can see her setting the scene now. I would be living in a lovely place called Aucklandshire which has wind-swept moors and barracks of lusty soldiers nearby.
I’d be headstrong and stubborn and my father wouldn’t want me to marry anyone beneath my obvious wit, charm and humour. This same father wouldn’t sell condom vending machines (as he does) but rather being would be virtually penniless to some cruel twist of fate meaning all our worldly possessions are bequeathed to my idiot Australian cousin Bradley (who is actually very nice).
I’d still be a virtual spinster but as this occurs at a much younger age in Jane’s world I’d be 21 again. WOohooo. Though I would only say WOohoo in private as it’s not becoming of a lady, oh yes and my favourite words, i.e. ones that require asterisks, would only be used by my servants.
I’d be a lady and not like when someone from IHC says “Laaaady you’re preeeeettttty” but a real Lady Penelope.
I’d wear fabulous Empire line dresses that wouldn’t make me look fat with huge tits.
I would no longer be fat with huge tits.
Then one night at a ball in Upper Grey Lynn on Pons I’d meet a very dashing soldier called Wexley who’ll pledge his undying love after dancing with me once while I just coyly nodded my head.
The next day he’d drop into my modest cottage where I live with my twenty-two sisters and listen to me play the pianoforte charmingly.
We’ll then know we were made for each other after meeting twice and agree to marry. I’ll then joyously discover that he actually is only a soldier for fun and owns all of Herne Bayswater and earns ten thousand a year.
I’ll of course not be swayed by money as I’m a good-hearted girl who cares nought for the finer things in life. Bust secretly I’ll be thinking “WICKED!”
Then Wexley’s 21 brothers will marry my sisters and we’ll have a joint wedding which will all be re-enacted in the film of my life called Durex and Durability. Ang Lee will direct and I’ll play myself with Jake Gyllenhaal as Wexley. PPhhwwooaarrrr.
It’ll then all end happily ever after and there will of course be no sequels, because as well all know, that’d ruin the end.
Take your leave.
Penny
PS If you know anyone in Adelaide I open my HOT PINK BITS show on Saturday. Details at www.hotpink.co.nz
Last updated: 29/04/2008
nzgirl archive:
White Christmas It’s the year’s biggest party week and Hot Pink’s ...
The End What if the answers to your weight problems were a...
