Hot Pink is a regular column on nzgirl that's sure to have you in stiches! Don't miss your weekly fix.
To find out all about its author, Penny Ashton, just click here
I have had my wallet stolen two times in my life.
The first time I was on the Moscow Underground in 1997 sporting about 10 extra kilos of London Beer Fat and a dinky wee Macpac back-pack. I usually wore my pack on my front but I was with four friends in a very non-crowded train.
After our journey we flagged down a cab (which is just any old ordinary person who feels like making a buck or two), I got into the "taxi” and went to put my bag on my lap. It is then I noticed it was open and immediately knew the worst.
Some little former Soviet Block contortionist pain in the rusky had filched my nice Espirit wallet from right under our four kiwi noses. If I hadn’t been so angry I might have been impressed at his (I’m sure it was a man) skills as a nimble knob. However I was furious and blubbed all over my old school friends screeching that life wasn’t fair.
I’m sure the starving in Africa wouldn’t be impressed but it felt epic to me.
The second time was in 2004 from backstage at Eden’s Bar on K-Rd during my show, ‘Hot Pink Does Vegas’. I was sweating up a storm onstage convening over the Elvis Dancing Competition, which my Dad was partaking in, when unbeknownst to me one of Auckland’s finest was fingering my belongings and nicking off with my gorgeous pink wallet.
I discovered it when going to purchase a much need Sauvignon Blanc and was so incensed that I blubbed on an old school friend and screeched that life wasn’t fair.
I’m sure the starving would have agreed with me this time.
Luckily thanks to the fabulous Thomas, bouncer MC Cool Dude, my wallet was recovered having been wedged behind the men’s urinal. All my cards were in it but the five dollars had gone, no doubt off to buy some Telfast to sell to China. I didn’t care though, I was so relieved that I didn’t have to get another Foodtown Card and that my mini mirror, perfect for applying lipstick was safe.
You can therefore imagine my anger when in Christchurch I had my wallet stolen again with a night of Busking takings inside it. I was bereft and blubbed on my mum and dad screeching that life wasn’t fair. They were both fabulously supportive and in fact made a parent sandwich surrounding me and saying useful things like “There, there,” and “It’ll be ok.”
OK maybe I overreacted slightly but the wallet had rather a lot of sentimental value too.
I decided to make sure it wasn’t behind the men’s urinal and rang the bar in question which was called The Bicycle Thief.
You can imagine my surprise when I then discovered that the perpetrator of the crime was in fact female, 32, originally from Christchurch living in Auckland, had red hair and a fledgling career as a comedienne.
No it wasn’t my twin sister, it was me.
My wallet had fallen out of my bag and I hadn’t noticed till the next day. What a f**king moron. I was also thrilled to discover that my Foodtown Card and mirror were safe and I was even more impressed to find no money gone at all. I was the retard, no one else.
Isn’t that nice.
I also drained a car battery TWICE in Christchurch and drove down a one-way street the wrong way before high-tailing it across a grass verge to get to the right side of the road.
What a f**king moron indeed.
I can only say one does dumb things when one is tired.
And on that note, I’m off to bed.
Penny
Last updated: 29/04/2008
nzgirl archive:
White Christmas It’s the year’s biggest party week and Hot Pink’s ...
The End What if the answers to your weight problems were a...
