It’s the prime party week of the year and I have to go and grow not one, but two Mt Clearasils on my face.
I mean for god’s sake I’m nearly 32, what the hell are my sebaceous glands doing to me??? I’m supposed to be worrying about impending wrinkles and bags under my eyes, not a teenage problem brought about by wild hormonal imbalances.
I would like to say the fact I actually have a man about for sexual favours is causing my hormones to go into overdrive. But in truth it all started back when I was about 24 and men were as thin on the ground as the hairs on Martin Crowe’s head. I was in London, innocently minding my own business and trying to find a decent cup of coffee, when all of a sudden BAM. Zittage.
Now some of you might say, 24!!! What the hell are you complaining about, and yes it’s true, I pretty much didn’t get one zit in my teenage years so some might think of this as Karma. However our teens only last seven years. This has been going for eight so it’s time it ended.
I know I’m not the only one afflicted, and hell it’s definitely better than having to wear incontinence pants or getting cystitis, but that doesn’t stop the fact I have two angry red blotches on my face positively screaming to passers by, “Look at me!!!! Loook at the big zit, look at ugly ugly me, hahaha, I am ZIT-OR and I will swallow your whole face, hahahahahahhha.”
OK so maybe I’m getting hysterical now but until I get cystitis this is what I have to complain about.
Also there is the guilt of squeezing. I vividly remember reading the Dolly articles saying DON’T squeeze whatever you do. I imagined pock marks bigger than Bill Ralston’s and pits deeper than the Mariana Trench (which is the deepest point in the Ocean at 11 000 metres deep, it’s in the Pacific….gotta love google, well we geeks do anyway.) and so was determined that if a zit ever did appear I would not squeeze it.
Then one appeared. With its tight little top with its little bit of pus just begging to be exploded out onto a mirror. Well what’s a girl to do, and it’s been that way ever since.
HOWEVER, one thing I have no desire to do is squeeze other people’s zits. Who would you ask?? Lots of people apparently, for example there was this chick at university who loved squeezing zits wherever she saw them. Luckily she knew a poor guy who suffered from a particularly oily back. It was a match made in pussy heaven, (that is pus-y). GGGRRROOOOSSSSSSS, yes indeed.
However a certain man rather close to me only recently asked me if the zit on the back of his neck was “ready to go.” I told him what I thought of that concept and that no matter of sexual favours would ever entice me to explode his pus. I mean really, there are some bodily fluids I’ll gladly handle, and there are some I just won’t.
On that charming and very festive note MERRY CHRISTMAS and have a non-pus-y New Year.
Penny
Last updated: 29/04/2008
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