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Our advice guru Frankie is here to help you get your life sorted – whether you’ve got issues with your love life, friends, family, work or your bank account, Frankie is the woman to help get you back on your feet! No matter what the problem, however big or small you may think it is, Frankie will have some wise and frivolously frank words of advice to help get you through, we promise!
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___________________________________________________________________________ Dear Frankie, I have been with my boyfriend for six months and things have gotten very serious. He has popped the question. I was friends with him for more than three years before we started dating - during which that’s all I saw him as. I have known about the many various girlfriends he has had. At the start, I didn’t seem to mind this, however as time has progressed I have started comparing myself to his ex girlfriends. It is paranoid I know, but I won’t even let him buy or do the same things with me, that he has done with previous girlfriends. He gets upset and confused when I tell him he can’t buy me certain things. Although he always tells me how much he loves me, and I do think he is well and truly over all his ex girlfriends - I don’t think I have. To make matters worse, one ex girlfriend keeps bugging us and I have nightmares about him leaving me for a past girlfriend. I love him so much but I don’t want to feel like this all the time.
Confused
Dear Confused, This week I have also been confused - over your predicament. The way I see it you have three totally separate dilemmas. Having one problem can be annoying, two can be difficult, but three – sister, that’s just plain confusing. So you have to break it down 1) Is your boyfriend over his exes? 2) Can you get over this ‘paranoia’? 3) Do you want to marry this guy? Although they are connected, you must be clear on each point in isolation. We can only eat an elephant one bite at a time (not implying that you, your boyfriend – or I, are in any way like elephants! Oh dear…). 1: Them or Me? You mentioned him ‘buying you things’ a few times. Why the ‘repeat’ purchase with you? Did he simply see it work in the past and now he wants to solicit a ‘happy’ response from you? If so – this can be a good sign, next time he wants to buy you something tell him, ‘You know what would really make me happy? A 20 minute foot rub tonight before bed.’ Then see if he does it! Money is not as precious as time - is he wanting to give you something of true value? Or is he looking for a band-aid purchase? Don’t listen to his words, look at his actions. Is he doing things that make you think he doesn’t want to be with you? Avoiding you? Not communicating? Interacting with the ex – answering her phone calls etc? It sounds like he’s actually being quite responsive - proposing, shopping, being sad at your concerns are all signs he’s involved in the relationship. Which leads us to question two… 2: Paranoid or Justified? Comparing yourself with his exes, unfortunately, is normal. Being worried is OK, it’s not a deal breaker – UNLESS your instincts are right, and you’re just not listening. Are you sure he’s changed? My friend and genie of insight, Nicola, hit me with this gem of wisdom on Tuesday – ‘Is his ‘light’ on?’ Men, it seems, are like taxis. Either unavailable, engaged or ‘lights on’ – get in quick – he’s available. We women have no influence when he chooses to switch and wants to commit, no matter how long we date him. Maybe, after years of playing the field, other long-term relationships and friendship with you, he is genuinely ready. 3: I ‘do’ not? I’m not sure we have room to delve too far into this can of emotional worms! But, we’ll try. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, DOUBT MEANS DON’T! The fact you have other questions related to the relationship should be enough to say no – or at least, not yet. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in her recent book, Eat, Pray, Love, ‘Getting married or having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face, you have to be really sure you want it!’ I realise that I have asked you more questions then I have answered. But use these questions as a framework to reach your final, overall answer. Only with a strong YES to all three questions can you move forward with this relationship and proposal. If any of them come back as no – you need to throw the handbrakes on and be clear with him why not. Remember: you are not allowed to settle for anything less then the best in this life. Good Luck, I hope this week brings clarity to you confused. |
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